It has been several years since I last thought of the past predicament. A way from the truth and and beyond anyone’s expectations. Somehow, life had shown the best of what every body deserved. Moving on to the next leverage of life is what I aimed to achieve. It was a productive year. It is excessively far from what I had expected.
However, each time I try to close the door of the past—— it always knocks me out. However, at times, I don’t want to look back at it anymore. It just there and want me to remember who was I before and who am I now at the moment. It was like dreaming——- it can never be expected when it will appear again, then as soon as I had woken up, I realized it was a dream. Some times may ask and compare whether what I had just experience is a dream or a nightmare.
The idea of moving on is not that bad for. It is the best way I consider to be mature to whatever I ever wanted to achieve time after time. It was never easy to let go things that made you feel miserable. It was never a better way either to runaway from unresolved problem. I know there were times where I wanted to rotate the movement of the clock, however, it can never be.
It was fun reminiscing how stupid I reacted with all those thoughts, now that I sat down and thought of it again—— it wasn’t worth crying for. It wasn’t worth remembering either yet I was so-so much affected which I never realize life is full of surprises. As I continue to struggle with the truth I am aiming for; I step back and locked myself from the closet of anger. An anger that dictates my evil action. Lately, it came to me as a vision that I am losing the real I am. I am full of revenge where I had forgotten to humble myself from the fact that those things are meaningless.
Then upon realizing it, is not too late to back off. It made me feel irresponsible of my actions yet I believe I didn’t hurt anyone. When I thought of it————- every thing is not over yet. Every thing remain in the middle of the wind ———hanging and left behind to the corner of forgiveness. Then, as I took a glass of coffee to our veranda the next day, the sun never gave the brightest sunlight which I waited for the whole night.
That time I was disappointed. The disappointment lead to somewhere. Then, I thought of it over and over again. There were no specific answer to all my queries that day yet still I waited. I waited a little more until I fully develop the virtue of waiting. Though admittedly, waiting is never a virtue. I dislike waiting because I want to do something as soon as I can. It is like before the lightning reaches the ground or even faster than that. It is very impossible isn’t it.
Another day had passed yet all of what I wanted to achieve never had the solution. Till, I decided to walked along the beach. I felt the early morning breeze. The touch of the of the early morning wave of ocean through the shore. Moreover, as the sunrise appears from the horizon, there was new hope that starts to build up. A hope that seemed to be the only way to make things over.
As I walked back my room that day, I started to write a composition, then from simple composition to a story. Before breakfast, almost reach the second part of the story yet every thing seemed to be unknown. I left my room and had a quick shower for I wanted to watch the native children happily swimming in the beach. As soon as I finished showering, I grabbed my sandwich and settle at the nearby nipa hut. A notebook in my lap and started typing the thoughts I have.
I didn’t notice the children as they approach my location. I only realized I was surrounded with local kids soon after they asked what was I doing. I saved the file, shut off my notebook, and decide to talk with the kids.
They seemed so happy. No worries, they have the wonderful smiles, which seem so envious for me. They tried to be friendly as I played the role of being casual at times. I know they wouldn’t realize I am making face in front of them. It wasn’t really impressive to make face yet they are too ignorant and innocent of what adults do.
Few minutes later, I bade goodbye to these children and went back to my room. I try to think of my childhood but it seems to be too very different form what I can see with the children. At their early age, they have their freedom compared to mine. My childhood had this moment where I have to be home all day and look after my siblings.
In short I never had a great childhood. So even now, I still feel the isolation of my past. I seldom mingle with others which people think I am weird. The thought of what happened to em before makes me feel incomplete. I thought it’s over yet still there. It reminds me and knocks on my door time after time.
